10 steps to 10k (when you’re not a real runner)

1K       10.30pm, Singapore Flyer, 32C, clear skies – off we go! No warm-ups for me, I’m relaxed, in shape, feel good. Take my first jellybaby from the little bag Mr PC gave me – one per K for energy levels. That’s one tip I’m happy to follow. Little sip from water bottle, lid a bit stiff but prise it open with teeth, no probs. Staying hydrated, yep.

2K       This is so easy, the training paid off. There’s a breeze, the stars are out, we have perfect running conditions. Look at the view! Look how the cars are stopping for us! Wow, I love this town. My ankles are fine, my knees are fine, all good. Jellybabies working nicely. Glide past first hydration station, don’t need it yet. All good so far.

3K       Trotting past the walkers, getting a bit warm but nothing I can’t handle. Jellybabies are just so clever, I can really feel the power-surge as they melt in my mouth. Water bottle still a bit tough but can still yank it open with teeth, no probs.

4K       Out of my way slow-coaches, I’m a lean, mean running machine! Actually I’m a tiny but warm now, stop for an ice-cold 100+ at the next bench. But honestly, I’m a natural, why don’t I do this more often?

5K       Slightly bored now, and passing the time by looking at people’s shoes. Breeze has dropped and it’s all very sweaty now. Sweaty hair, sweaty calves, sweaty fingers. Can’t get water bottle open any more. Splash my jellybabies. Everything is wet. Uh-oh, hill…

6K       …bloody huge hill. Very hot. Surely done more than 6k, tap phone to check it’s working. Still no breeze and a million sweaty porkers all herded round the paper cups at the next water stop. The warmth in this running crowd is ridiculous. Need a wee. Jellybabies sticking together.

7K       Eyebrows sweaty. Christ it’s hot. And dark. Trip over twig, paper cup, walker. Jellybabies now just one big clump. Sporadic onlookers clapping politely in the dark, nothing like the drums and cannons at the start. It’s a nice gesture but I could make more noise opening a crisp packet. Probably snakes in hedge so can’t stop for wee.

8K       Another hill. Can’t breathe. Very hot. Stupid jelly babies, stupid water bottle. Find bin, throw it all out. Sweat coming out of eyes, dripping off nose. I smell of a farm. The whole air smells of a farm. Last water stop, chuck cup over head. Sound of band at finish line. Oh God, the finish line…

9K       …not the finish line, just a long bit of track that runs alongside the real finish line. Note to organisers: PUT THE END AT THE BLOODY END otherwise it’s just teasing. Can a person run out of sweat?

10K     Last few yards, proper clappers now, but ears full of sweat. Is it the finish line? Yes. Underwhelming limp under banner. Accept medal and banana. Find cab. Sweat. Divert to Daily Scoop and buy a lemon sorbet, wipe forehead with it. Limp to condo licking hair. Limp up stairs, limp into shower, put medal in bin, have wee, bed.

Woken at 5am by Mr PC coming in from marathon and also binning bag of jellybabies.